Navigating the Whitewater of Individuation and Belonging

Participate in Our Community 
(click here)

Send me Program Information
Arrange a Phone Conversation
Become a Mentor
Join a Mentorship Triad
Learn About Mentor's Training
Being an Apprentice
Taking on an Apprentice
Food Systems
Receive our Newsletter
Join our Mailing List
Sponsor a Student
Make a Donation
Learn about an Investment
Submit a Story

Starting Points for Healthy Relationship

Communication and shared vision and values are important components of a healthy relationship. It is also helpful to remember that relationships are a yoga or spiritual practice that can help us better understand ourselves. Those things that most annoy us in our intimate relationships, friendships or with colleagues at work are very likely unresolved parts of ourselves. By learning to look inside each time something outside troubles or annoys us we can accelerate our psycho-spiritual evolution. A few more basic practices are a good place to begin:

Speak Up Skillfully  In a healthy relationship, if something is bothering you, it’s best to talk about it instead of holding it in.
Respect Your Partner Your partner's wishes and feelings have value. Let your significant other know you are making an effort to keep their ideas in mind. Mutual respect is essential in maintaining healthy relationships.
Compromise  Disagreements are a natural part of healthy relationships, but it’s important that you find a way to compromise if you disagree on something. Try to solve conflicts in a fair and rational way.
Be Supportive  Offer reassurance and encouragement to your partner. Also, let your partner know when you need their support. Healthy relationships are about building each other up, not putting each other down.
Respect Each Other’s Privacy  Just because you’re in a relationship, doesn’t mean you have to share everything and constantly be together. Healthy relationships require space.

Learning to Communicate Even When We Are Different

We all want a sense of belonging without sacrificing our sense of self, but how do we do that?  How do we free ourselves from the need to conform and to repress our creativity in order to belong in an intimate relationship, family, or work situation. The energy that drives personal growth lies in the polarity between two very human drives, to be ourselves and to be connected to others. These drives manifest most dramatically in our one-on-one and group relationships. Most of us could benefit from a wider repertoire of skillful alternatives in our relationships at home or at work. Often we react based on patterns from our family of origin or from an emotional wound suffered earlier in life. The most effective way to avoid this cul-de-sac is to pursue an integral approach to psycho-spiritual development. 

Since all of us are in a myriad of relationships where we are called to express our unique talents, and at the same time to participate according to group norms, we are all faced with the simultaneous challenge of reconciling autonomy and belonging.  Very few of us are able to skillfully express the fullness of our being in a way that engages us in genuine connection and helps the groups we are part of evolve further along the spiral of development. Only by creating a harmony between our deep desire to belong (to another, a family or a larger community) with our ambition to actualize our creative talents can we move beyond the unsatisfying dilemma of isolation or enmeshment.

We can learn to:
    Re-pattern the reptilian brain to move beyond fear 
    Develop a deeper sense of safety even under stress
    Dare to soften in the face of difference or disagreement
    Try on new perspectives without being attached to any single point of view
    Loosen  our harsh judgments of self and others
    Become curious about our repeated patterns of self-sabotage 
    Develop a sense of humor and humility in the face of relationship challenges
    Express our authentic self without giving up a sense of belonging
    Find the deeper harmony beneath this tension of apparent opposites
    No longer become trapped in either claustrophobia or isolation
    More fully integrate our mind and body
    Experience true communion without sacrificing our authenticity 

Whatever role we play in society, whether married,
single, parent or child we can engage in the dynamic dance of independence and connection in a way that accelerates our soul’s evolution.